HOGS' NIGHTMARE OFF-SEASON WON'T CRACK NUTT

Athlete: Marcus Harrison

Affiliation: DE, Arkansas Razorbacks

Allegations: Felony possession of a controlled substance, speeding, driving with a restricted driver's license and not wearing a seat belt.

Since leading his team to the SEC West championship, Arkansas head coach Houston Nutt has watched his star QB bolt for California, heard his Heisman-candidate tailback announce he'll jump to the NFL as soon as possible, had his soft-core porn messages to a woman other than his wife exposed, and, we've heard, been accused of running a dog-fighting ring. Hey, don't look at me; I heard it from Mitch Mustain.

Now comes word that senior DE Marcus Harrison was arrested for, of all things, not wearing a seatbelt. Of course, he was speeding and driving on a restricted license when he was stopped by police. Oh, and there was the small matter of the Ecstasy and marijuana found in the car. Did we mention Harrison also was wanted for not appearing in court on another matter? At least the cops didn't find the dead hookers in the trunk.

Harrison's little indiscretion will probably only increase the calls for Nutt's nuts at Arkansas, where fans' expectations and illusions of granduer probably are due to the fact that they share the same aquifer as Tuscaloosa. Seriously, Hog fans, do you really expect to do better than Nutt? I can think of only one "name coach" who might be desperate enough for a job that he'd even consider taking up residency in Fayetteville...

DAVID BOSTON MIGHT BE ON SOMETHING

Athlete: David Boston

Affiliation: WR, Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Allegation: DUI


Once there were whispers that WR David Boston was using steroids; those suspicions proved true in 2004 when the former Buckeye tested positive and was suspended for four games. Now there was allegations that Boston is under the influence of another substance...but police in Pinellas Park (FL) aren't exactly sure what kind.


The Tampa wide-out was found passed-out behind the wheel of his Range Rover while the engine was running and the transmission in drive. He was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol or another substance, but a subsequent breathalyzer test failed to detect any alcohol. A urine sample was obtained and sent to the state lab and, we assume, Herr Goodell's top secret urine-screening facility.

As a Bucs' fan this troubles me, of course, but at least my team addressed last year's lack of speed by trading up in the draft and grabbing Georgia Tech's Calvin Johnson. What's that? We drafted a third-down pass-rushing specialist? And we cut Simeon Rice?!? Oh. Shit.

Dept. of Redundancy Dept. Note: My daily read of Larry Brown Sports reveals that not only did they basically write the same piece, they even used the same picture of Mr. Boston. Ah, well, screw it...I'm not deleting this post. Nobody reads this blog, and besides, it's Saturday...I need to spend my time getting ready to watch college football next week!

CAMPUS CRIMINALS CORNUCOPIA IV (FOOTBALL EDITION)

With the college football season fast approaching, Zero Tolerance dedicates this edition of Campus Criminals Cornucopia to the canned quotes coaches casually quip when cornered by the cameras...

"We need to show what we're made of": Michigan WR LaTerryal Savoy is "absolutely not guilty" of indecent exposure, according to his lawyer. The court of public opinion, however, finds his parents culpable for child abuse for giving him that ridiculous name.

"This should be a hard-hitting game": Equally not gulity, we're sure, are Savoy's Michigan teammates Quintin Patilla and Robert Thornbladh, who stand accused of assault with intent to do great bodily harm. Any chance these three guys are actually the same person? "LaTerryal Quintin Thornbladh?" I'm checking the Ann Arbor white pages.

"Winners never quit, and quitters never win": James Madison offensive lineman Franklin Martin's career is "probably over" due to a bullet wound he received in a nightclub melee. This is a tragedy, especially as the school was ok with his previous arrest for rape.

"You can toss out the records when these two meet": Georgia cornerback Ramarcus Brown (yes, "Ramarcus") only wishes he could get his criminal record tossed; actually, we're not absolutely certain he had a rap sheet, but as he's a Bulldog, that's a pretty safe bet. Brown will be sitting down for the opener for violation of an unspecified team rule (we're just going to assume it's beastialty,) becoming only the most recent Georgia player guilty of something or other.

"With this team you know exactly what you're going to get": This may come as a great shock to most, but one of Nick Saban's players was arrested. Cornerback Simeon Castille was popped for disorderly conduct on Tuscaloosa's infamous Strip, prompting seasoned Alabama-watchers to wonder when he'll be promoted to captain.

"We've got to pick each other up": Defending Iowa Hawkeyes Dominique Douglas and Anthony Bowman on their fraudulent use of a credit card charges will be attorney Matt Petrzelka. Maybe Petrzelka didn't go to Harvard or Yale, but he was captain of the 1980 Iowa team. So, you know, there's that.

"Cornerbacks are on an island": Petrzelka, as far as we know, will not be defending Iowa's Bradley Fletcher on his DUI charge.

"This is smash-mouth football": Kansas State TE Rashaad Norwood was arrested for criminal damage to property, criminal trespass, obstruction, and, basically, smashing a woman in the mouth (ok, he just pushed her down.)

"This could be a shoot-out": The Ol' Ball Coach says that South Carolina's Emanuel Cook's arrest for possession of a pistol was a case of being "at the wrong place at the wrong time"...with a gun.

ZT PRESENTS "GREAT OOKIES IN SPORTS HISTORY" (PART THREE)

In celebration of the impending imprisonment of Michael "Ookie" Vick, Zero Tolerance chooses to light a candle rather than curse the darkness. Instead of drowning and electrocuting the dead dog that is the Vick story, we opt to spotlight the positive achievements of other "Ookies" of the sporting world sporadically over the next week. In this second installment, we celebrate Univerity of Illinois head coach Ron Zook.

Under normal circumstances, I'd be the last person who would champion the virtues of Ron Zook. A Florida alum, I was there when Coach Spurrier won the school's first SEC championship (yeah, I'm dating myself,) and the transition from the Ol' Ball Coach to the Ol' Clueless Coach was painful and depressing, like trading in your beloved bachelor convertable for a family-friendly minivan. Sure, it was a practical move, and under the circumstances, maybe a necessary one, but it left one questioning one's place in the universe and, let's be perfectly honest, contemplating suicide. That said, Coach Zook was a Gator through-and-through, serving as a defensive coordinator under Spurrier, and, upon exhibiting his total incompetence in that position, as a demoted special teams coach. As a Gator, Zook hated above all else the Georgia Bulldog, and yet not once did he tranfer that anger into physical harm of an actual pooch. So, you know, he has that going for him.

In fact, it was Zook's kindness to canines that ultimately cost him his job, as a 2004 loss to the lowly and unoriginally-named Mississippi State Bulldogs pushed the Gator faithful over the edge and sent Zookie on his way to football oblivion, or as it's known in the SEC, the Big Ten. Of course, the coach's excessive empathy for tigers (LSU, twice) and wolverines (Michigan) didn't help his cause, but it did garner him the never-ending respect of another cause...PETA's.

Now the problem, er, "pride" of Illinois, Zook has continued his benevolence toward the beasts. Under his reign, Nittatiny Lions know no lashings, Badgers are not beaten, and Golden Gophers are not gored. For this consistent coddling of the creatures, sir, we salute you. Furthermore, in the pantheon of "Greatest Ookies on Sports History," we rank you in a position with your coaching ability...a solid #2. The standings, thus far, are now such:

#1 William "Mookie" Wilson

#2 Ron "Zookie" Zook

#3 Duke Fans ("Dookies")

#4 Michael "Ookie" Vick

ZT PRESENTS "GREAT OOKIES IN SPORTS HISTORY" (PART TWO)

In celebration of the impending imprisonment of Michael "Ookie" Vick, Zero Tolerance chooses to light a candle rather than curse the darkness. Instead of drowning and electrocuting the dead dog that is the Vick story, we opt to spotlight the positive achievements of other "Ookies" of the sporting world sporadically over the next week. In this second installment, we celebrate college sports' most annoying fans....those of a certain school in Durham, North Carolina.

Let's accept at face value that everyone, to include Jesus Christ and all of the Disciples, hates Duke basketball. Deep in her heart, you just know that at times even Mrs. Coach K wants her nasal-voiced, toupee-wearing husband gang-raped by Michael Jordan's entourage. Outside of Durham and maybe his hometown, is there anywhere Christian Laettner is safe from those who would shower him with taunts, spittle and possibly battery acid? Grant Hill may have earned a reputation in the NBA as a "class act," but who among us (especially Magic season ticket holders) hasn't silently prayed for a sharp bone fragment from his shattered foot to find its way to a major artery?

In spite of, or perhaps because of the near universal loathing of its basketball program, Duke fans have fiercely banded together in near-psychotic support of their hardwood heroes. Known as "Cameron Crazies" to their supporters and "Dookies" to their foes, these fans root for the boys in blue due in part to their bunker mentality, but also because of the elevated ethics of the athletes. For you see, unlike the jocks at another ACC school, Dookies would never torture a defenseless animal for their own pleasure or profit. Certainly, torturing NBA general managers with their disappointing play is not unheard of among former Blue Devils, but punish a pit bull? Dick Vitale would not approve.

And so, while we here at Zero Tolerance would rather spend eternity as Michael Vick's puppy than endure one second in the student section at Cameron Indoor Arena, we admit that by virtue of their admiration for their athlete's aversion to animal cruelty, Duke fans rank slightly above the former Hokie on the list of "Great Ookies in Sports History." That said, after this, the second installment in the series, the rankings are as follows:

#1 William "Mookie" Wilson

#2 Duke Fans ("Dookies")

#3 Michael "Ookie" Vick

ZT PRESENTS "GREAT OOKIES IN SPORTS HISTORY!" (PART ONE)

In celebration of the impending imprisonment of Michael "Ookie" Vick, Zero Tolerance chooses to light a candle rather than curse the darkness. Instead of drowning and electrocuting the dead dog that is the Vick story, we opt to spotlight the positive achievements of other "Ookies" of the sporting world sporatically over the next week. In this first installment, we celebrate former major leaguer William Hayward Wilson.

William "Mookie" Wilson was a fan favorite at Shea during the team's god-awful early-80's, due in part for his hustle, infectious love for the game, and above all else, his complete and utter aversion to torturing animals. Even during the brutal, 97-loss season of 1982, when men of lesser moral fiber would be tempted to do so, Wilson abstained from kicking kittens, punching poodles, or rape-standing rottweilers. Was he tempted to drown a dalmation when the Mets finished 27 games out of first? Almost certainly. Lord knows Dave Kingman did. However, that wasn't the Mookie way.

His karma with the canines was repaid in spades during the 1986 World Series. Everyone recalls how Wilson's game six, tenth-inning grounder found the gap between the legs of serial squirrel-fucker Bill Buckner and sent the Series to a seventh game, but few remember what transpired earlier in that same at-bat. Down 2-2 in the count, Mookie fouled off the next three pitches before deftly evading a Bob Stanley wild pitch; the ball rolled to the backstop, scoring Kevin Mitchell from third and sending Ray Knight, the eventual winning run, to second. While it is true that Knight often had sex with a dog he inexplicably named "Nancy Lopez," without a doubt it was Wilson's love for livestock that turned an otherwise-mediocre player into a World Series icon.

Thus, after this first installment in the series, the current rankings of "Greatest Ookies in Sports History" looks like this:

#1 William "Mookie" Wilson
#2 Michael "Ookie" Vick

EX-WR (FINDS GARAGE) WIDE OPEN

Athlete: Mark Ingram

Affiliation: Former WR, New York Giants, Miami Dolphins, Green Bay Packers, Philadelphia Eagles

Allegation: Breaking and Entering, Larceny

Former first-round pick and Super Bowl champion Mark Ingram has clearly lost a step or two since retiring from the NFL in 1996 season...so much so that these days even the police can catch him. I've said it before, people...we cops are not a fast people. In fact, unless you're slow of foot and mind, chances are you're going to get away. Luckily for Flint (MI) authorities, Ingram qualifies on both counts, as he was busted for burglarizing a garaged car and stealing a purse. I guess what some are saying is right; the NFL Players' Union pension just isn't enough to keep our former heroes from demeaning themselves for quick cash (I'm looking at you, Dan Marino; is there nothing you won't hawk?)

Back to Ingram; sadly, this isn't the former Giant's first post-career run-in with the real men in blue. Back in 2004 he was tagged for stealing a credit card and a golf club from a local course, where, we assume, he was caddying. In 2001 he was sentenced to six months in the federal pen for possession of counterfeit cash. His most recent offense could land him ten years in state lock-up, which is probably for the best. While prison food is hardly gourmet, it has to be better than whatever one can find stuck to the bottom of Flint's back-alley dumpsters.

USF'S GEORGE IS SOME KIND OF SUPERHERO

Athlete: Woody George

Affiliation: DE, South Florida Bulls

Allegation: Grand Theft



If your name is "Woody George" you're either a porn star or super hero, or both, which would probably make you the most kick-ass person who ever lived aside from Chuck Norris. In any event, I'm going with superhero, as Woody George sounds like the perfect alias for a super-human mutant like South Florida's defensive end, who was able to remove a parking boot from his vehicle and make it disappear!

Mild-mannered George's vehicle had been immobilized by the dastardly forces of evil that is the USF parking enforcement posse in an obvious attempt to keep him from saving the world, but our hero was having none of that. He removed the offending device and, we assume, hurdled it into orbit, as it has yet to re-appear. Always respectful of authority, George initially promised to return the school's property, but the gamma radiation that transformed him into the titan that he is also affected his short-term memory (every hero has a fatal flaw) and now he's on the hook for replacement costs.

Reached for comment, head coach Jim Leavitt stated the obvious, "I understand his frustration, but you can't do what he did." Of course you can't do it, coach...you don't possess freakish super-strength like Woody George!

Photo ripped off from UC San Diego's The MQ